sometimes i hope Life is all but a long dream...

“sometimes,i hope Life is all but a long dream...”

Back to old sch routine

Sunday, June 24, 2012 || Sunday, June 24, 2012

Ok I HAVE WASTED THIS HOLIDAY. like seriously!!!! NOOOOO i did not catch up on my physics ss and history. kill me pls. I better work doubly hard this term.
An hour more and i will be in bed i guess. Have to slp early, a little too late to adjust my body block but who cares. at least i tried :D
POOF, time passes so fast but oh well, at least i got to catch up with my primary school friends and reading. and of course DRAMAS!!!!
kinda embarrassed to be watching dramas like a crazy fangirl when my O's are just a few mths away... but hey, we need to chill right? :)
Yep after this post, i am going to store my computer away D: clear my damn messy table... pack my schbag, revise the physics definitions. and brush my teeth of course before gg to dreamland zzzZZZ.
Time to kick off holiday mood, it is time to get really serious now...
New rules :
1. Handphones away during study sessions.
2. Food AWAY TOO.
3. Mr Pinky out of sight
4. Only water allowed (coffee too hehehhe)
5. KEEP TO STUDY PLANS FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

that is all for now. PRAYYYYYY that my next post will be about commending myself for keeping to these rules

NIGHTS PEEPS :D

Revived?

Monday, June 11, 2012 || Monday, June 11, 2012

wahh... haven been writing this for a long time. almost wanted to delete this blog but i was too lazy to do so :P

yep, so gonna continue to write this blog cos xiaomeii wanted me to hahah!

i thought i wrote a post on me finishing my chemo and all, but it is not here, maybe i wrote it in some book or sth lol. sighhh,i am a forgetful girl.

Anw i stopped my chemo at the 8th or 10th time, i forgotten which, omggggg. but it was all pure torture. those 4mths were unforgettable. Cos my chemo medicine is bloody pink-red, a wave of nausea ALWAYS washes over me when i see sth like that. and guess what, i have to drink this beetroot + immunocal drink EVERY SINGLE MORNING and if u dunno what beetroot is, it is a PINK fruit that makes my juice the exact same colour as my chemo med. T.T that is one of the reason I hate mornings -.- but well life is life. This is my life. Face it I guess.

Feeling kinda weird today cos I have to go back for a scan today. It is a really dumb and retarded scan cos I have to lie in some thingy for 3-4 hours OMGGGG. And I cant move at all plus the machine is so damn noisy that I cant even slp properly even if I want to L I hate MIR scans. Plus I have a GREAT phobia for hospitals. No matter how nice and cute the nurses there are… sigh, I hate the smell of medicines, the white clothes and the needles.

Ok can’t typre anymore, have to go bathe and go hospital myself alrdyyy!!! Will update soon again :D

It seemed like a year already

Wednesday, November 23, 2011 || Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I cry a lot these few days. Especially at night when I am alone..... The feeling just came and for long hours, I sat in the dark, crying till I fall asleep. I don't know what came over me these few days. The sick feeling was no longer physically but mentally. I felt that I was going to suffer from depression soon. It was horrible.

Tomorrow would be my 6th time doing chemo, my 3rd cycle.

It would be the 3rd month undergoing chemo yet it had felt like eternity already.

好辛苦哦。。。

I have the strong feeling of dread and nausea every time I step back into the hospital. It felt like stepping back into hell again.

Two nights ago, my mother accidentally pulled my catheter out and broke the stitches while cleaning the catheter. I went hysterical and threw things all over the floor. At that moment, I screamed at my mother as because of her, I had to suffer yet another injection and another torturous stitching. I cried for a very long time. My poor mother apologised repeatedly outside my room as I slammed the door right in her face. All that screaming and crying that night vented my frustrations for chemo, for the disgusting medicine and tonics I have to eat daily, for the nagggings, for my ill fate. I was just being a bitch and a brat that night.

I am no longer mentally well for 7 months of chemo. I do not intend to complete all 7 cycles.. no matter what the adults say, I am stopping at 4 cycles or at most 5. This is the maximum I can take. i can't wait to be normal again.

For how many nights, I dream of having my own hair back, being able to go out with my friends, being able to run and jump. I want my life back...ASAP.

Damn you cancer...

A new life (hair)

Saturday, September 17, 2011 || Saturday, September 17, 2011

Wow.

I am proud of myself for I have become stronger mentally.

Yep, I have taken the first step and have undergone the first cycle.

Undoubtedly, it was hard. I suffered nausea, headache, high fever, coughing and am still coughing now but the other effects of chemo had weared off. Thankfully (:

But now, my hair is dropping at record rate. Every now and then when I look down,there will be strands of hair here and there. One by one i pick them up, counting. But I have lost count. It is irritating and annoying me and so I have decided to shave bald. Yes, i am going to be a nun. Last nite, when my cousins came over, they said they wanted to shave bald with me and they thought that it was cool. Yaaaa rite. They are obviously not females. It was not that hard making that decision since I was just feeling pissed.

Nonchalantly, i told my mum that I wanted to shave bald earlier in the day. She paused her actions for a while, before looking at me and finally she said,"Okay."

That was when reality settled in, I was kinda hoping she will try to discourage me but she did not. However my elder sister did. She "Dont shave la,you will look weird.." Thanks,sister. Ironically,I ignored her.

At night, when bathing, i dropped A LOT of hair. My scalp is becoming increasingly visible by the minutes. As much as I love my hair, I wished to just shave it bald that very second. It was too dramatic for me to take it.

A few minutes ago, as i looked at my PJs with hair randomly stranded I started tearing. I was scared, I was beginning to feel the fear again. The thought of me sitting on a chair and my uncle shaving off my hair was really too much for me to take it...

but i know. This disease taught me how to face reality. I know if I do not want to continue seeing my hair drop everyday, I have to shave it. After all I have a 600 bucks wig, waiting for me to put it on.

So miss wig, here i come!